Learning to live

Some perspectives on sadness and depression

listen

Roger Bretherton is a clinical psychologist from Lincoln. He leads Inspirit, the student and young adult expression of New Life Church, Lincoln. He is soon to become the Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Lincoln University. He is married to Deputy Head teacher Marie-Claire and has a one-year-old son, Leo.

Good or bad?

Do you experience yourself as generally good and acceptable, or generally bad and unacceptable?

Generally good	Generally bad
Just exist	Justify existence
Can do	Must do
Full stop	Question mark
Expansion	Constriction
Acceptable	Unacceptable
Drawn	Driven

Jesus came to 'justify' us, to declare us good. Grasping this fully gives us a radical ability to share what we have.

The church has often colluded with the view that people are generally bad. It enforces obedience but hampers creativity and growth.

Bottom lines

We may have a blend of these and they can be episodic.

I am bad
I am not good enough
I am ugly
I am unacceptable
I am worthless
I am unlovable
I am not important; I am inferior
I am stupid
I was strong and competent; now I am a neurotic wreck

Experience \|	Environmental factors from which we may have internalised beliefs about ourselves
Bottom line \|	Things we believe to be true about ourselves at core
Rules \|	The system we have developed to make sense of our bottom line
Triggers	The things which cause our rules to kick in

Experience, rules and triggers

Experience >	Bottom line >	Rules >	Triggers
Regular punishment, neglect or abuse	I am bad	If I allow anyone close to me they will hurt and exploit me I must never let anyone see my true self	When your true (bad) self might be or has been exposed
Failing to meet parental standards	I am not good enough	Unless I always get it right, I will never get anywhere in life If someone criticises me it means I have failed	When you encounter criticism or fear you may not meet your own high standards
Failing to meet peer group standards	I am ugly	My worth depends on how I look	When you need to buy clothes and fear attracting stares
Being on the receiving end of other people's stress or distress	I am unacceptable	I must always keep myself under tight control	When feeling high levels of emotion
Belonging to a family or social group which is a focus of prejudice	I am worthless	Survival depends on hitting back No matter what I do, no one will accept me	When vulnerable to attack or rejection, even in close relationships
An absence of good things (e.g. praise, affection, warmth, interest)	I am unlovable	Unless I do everything people expect of me, I will be rejected If I ask for what I need, I will be disappointed	When you have to ask for help or can't do what is expected
Being the 'odd one out' at home	I am not important; I am inferior	If someone is not interested in me it's because I am unworthy of interest Nothing I do is worthwhile unless it is recognised by others	When things you have done are open to public scrutiny
Being the 'odd one out' at school	I am stupid	Better not to try than fail	When you have to write in front of other people or face a challenge (esp. an intellectual challenge)
Workplace intimidation or bullying, abusive relationships, persisting stress or hardship, exposure to traumatic events	I was strong and competent; now I am a neurotic wreck	I should be able to cope with anything life throws at me Letting my emotions get the better of me is a sign of weakness	When noticing you are upset or not your usual self

How our bottom line affects our identity

Our bottom line is at the core of us, surrounded by the rules we have developed to make sense of it. These are manifest in our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Four steps to change

1. Set out in hope
Not wishfulness, but biblical hope - hope based on promise

2. Attend to your experience
Noticing and allowing ourselves to experience our thoughts, feelings and actions, both good and bad

3. Embrace vulnerability
At some point stopping your rules from running the show

4. Accept acceptance
At core, you are accepted by God and are good

Roger Bretherton, 23/05/2007