NARRATOR (an orange. Why? Just because...): Welcome, friends to the entertainment event of the season – a puppetic and prophetic representation of what will, doubtless, be a seminal moment in the history of City Life Church – the birth of Small Fry Smy. The characters in this performance are entirely fictional and are any resemblance to actual persons is entirely accidental…sort of.
But now, to the beginning of the story….
Once upon a time, in a far off country, in a small house named 13 Portugal Place, lived a young girl named Mary.
(Mary appears)
And one day, as Mary was going about her every day business, an angel appeared to her.
(Gabriel - an angel - appears)
GABRIEL: Greetings, favoured one, the Lord is with you
MARY: Oooh, hello Gabriel
G: Do not be afraid, Mary
M: Why would I be afraid Gabriel?
G: Because I am an angel of the Lord.
M: Oh, not again…have you had too much Earl Grey again, Gabriel? You know it makes you go a bit funny sometimes…
G: But I really am an angel! Look, I’ve got wings and everything!
M: So you have! You’re really getting carried away this time…Look, Gabriel, I thought we’d been through this before – you’re not really an angel. You just have a funny name. Now take your wings off and go back to work – don’t you have some cell notes to be writing or some such?
G: But I have a message for you from the Lord.
M: (sighs) Yes, caffeine does tend to make you come over all prophetic…Look, if I let you give me your “message” then will you go back to your office and do some work?
G: Alright then. But you have to look frightened and stuff…
M: Fine. Get on with it.
G: Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Small Fry. Or Joseph. Or something else comical – we really have to keep up the whole comical names thing, or what would people do for comedy on church weekends away? He will be great, and will be called the mascot of the City Life football team, and of the increase of the creche there will be no end.”
M: Am I really pregnant? Oh, how exciting!
G: No, no, you’re supposed to say, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?”
M: Erm, Gabriel…as the half of this couple who’s studied medicine…
G: OK, fair point. Hmm. How embarrassing. I’ll just…go now shall I…?
M: I think that’s a good idea. And no more Earl Grey for you, d’you hear?
(Mary and Gabriel disappear. Steve Sanderson pops up)
STEVE SANDERSON: We are called to obey our leaders are supposed to be the sign of your coming and of the Plumbline family of churches, a registered charity, members of the terrorist threat to London.
NARRATOR: And so Mary told her husband that she was to bear a child. Which was nice for them all, and luckily they’d been married for a while, so that was all above board and scandal free. But just for the fun of it, that night an angel appeared to Gabriel. Which was in itself confusing because Gabriel was the angel. But anyway.
GABRIEL 2: Gabriel, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you are to name him Small Fry, for he will be the smallest of the Smys
GABRIEL 1: Well, that’s all nice and good, but I am actually married to Mary already. And who are you anyway? I’m the angel round here and you look suspiciously like…well, me…
G2: That’s because I am you.
G1: How does that work?
G2: The nefarious effects of Earl Grey. Mary always said it was bad for you, and to be honest, you’d be better off drinking fair trade.
G1: Aha! Now I understand! Let me just remove your convincing latex mask!(He removes Gabriel 2's face to reveal, underneath it, the face of Anna Jones, Save the World Crusader) Yes, I knew it, you’re actually Anna on a mission to make me drink fair trade!
G2: And I would have got away with it too if it weren’t for you pesky kids…Sorry Gabriel, I just wanted to be in on the story, and I thought I might as well moralise a bit while I was at it…
STEVE S: Being anti the war and leave Saddam in charge, then Iraqi people are in the presence of God, and miracles of healing were experienced as this rugged group vibrantly praised God together. They prayed the streets at 6am, door-knocked houses and made the message known in the minority.... Well, we're called to bring down an aircraft.
NARRATOR: In those days a decree went out from some Tony Blair that all the world should be registered. Which was unusual, but it was never going to be easy to fit this story exactly into the biblical model…This was the first registration and was taken while President Bush was still running around trying to start a war. All went to their own towns to be registered. And a terrible secret was revealed – Gabriel’s ancestors actually originated in The Other Place…
(A sign appears saying “Oxford”)
M: You know, Gabriel, if I’d known that you were really an Oxford man, I never would have married you…
G: I'm sorry Mary. I never meant for you to discover my shameful secret. But it’s too late now, let’s just try and find a college we can stay in….
NARRATOR: And so the young couple walked around Oxford trying to find a college to stay in, and the only one that would let them in was Trinity College Oxford. But then, much like their Cambridge counterpart, they’d let anyone in. And Mary gave birth to a baby boy, and laid him in a punt, because there was no room for them inside the college.
STEVE S: Ok, I'm gonna stop talking now. I personally believe he is also a God of wrath. Remember the story of Moses, where God wanted Moses to deliver Turner's struggling side a psychological blow, Healy sweeping home left-footed from the law, people live in fear. Christians are persecuted. What do you think God thinks about that?"
NARRATOR: In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, holding a cell meeting in the fields so that they could be where the people were at.
(Cell group appears)
TIM ANDERSON: Right everybody, we’re just going to meditate on the beauty of God in nature. Just sit and breathe in the country air. Come on! We just really want to worship…we really want to see God and to know him better. Isn’t it exciting? (Gabriel and Bananamoffat - a banana with the face of Chris Moffat - fall from the sky)
TIM A: What happened? What are you doing here? Did you just fall from the sky?
BANANAMOFFAT: We collided in mid air. Air traffic’s terrible these days
TIM A: Ok then. And who might you be?
BANANAMOFFAT: Don’t you know who I am?
TIM A: Er…no…
BANANAMOFFAT: Honestly! Some people are so ignorant. Look I’ll show you
(Everyone disappears and a building appears)
NARRATOR: This is B29 A staircase, King’s College.
(Moffat without bananaman costume appears)
NARRATOR: And this is Moffat, the student who leads an amazing double life. For when Moffat eats a banana, an amazing transformation takes place.
(Moffat without costume disappears and Moffat the banana appears)
NARRATOR: Moffat is Bananaman. Ever alert for the call of action.
(Everyone reappears)
BANANAMOFFAT: So now do you know me?
EVERYONE: No.
GABRIEL: Hang on a minute, I do recognise you…you were the one who put toothpaste in my ear…
BANANAMOFFAT: Erm, anyway, got to dash, must be saving the world and all that
ANNA/GABRIEL 2 (appears): Hey, that’s my job!
GABRIEL: Anyway, now he’s gone, I have a message for you from the Lord.
TIM A: Sorry, we’re in the middle of a cell meeting. We just don’t have time for messages from God.
GABRIEL: Well, I’m not going till you listen to me.
TIM A: Go on then
GABRIEL: Do not be afraid; for see—I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: to you is born this day in the city of Oxford a Savior, who will wipe away the shame of City Life FCs unbroken record of defeat. A second Beckham he will be, though his name is Smy. This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in football kit and lying in a punt.
(Long pause)
TIM A: Aren’t a heavenly host supposed to appear at this point.
GABRIEL: Probably, but we’re on a budget. Anyhow, off you go to find the baby.
TIM A: Right, will do. We should take a gift really…I know, as we were meditating on the love of God, I couldn’t help notice this leaf lying on the ground, and I felt God was using to to really speak to me about his majesty and love. We’ll take that to the baby.
GABRIEL: (sarcastically) Oh goody.
(They all disappear. Steve Sanderson appears)
STEVE S: The same time a renewed commitment has emerged for becoming a true Cell Church, and impacting not only the university, but also the town and local communities with the values of the match Norwich swept forward to deliver His people from Pharoah, an Pharoah wouldn't let them go - so God killed all the CamSAW emails"(STEVE S disappears and NARRATOR appears)
NARRATOR: Some wise men from the East also came to Oxford
(Wise men appear – Gav Shuker (a leek), Joe Laycock (a carrot) and Lucie Moore)
LUCIE: Hey! I object to being referred to as a man!
GAV: And I object to being referred to as wise!
JOE: Anyway. Where is the child who has been born to save City Life FC? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage.
(Gabriel, Mary and Small Fry Smy appear)
GABRIEL: We’re here!
JOE: Oh good. We come bearing gifts. I bring a football, as a sign of his future destiny – this child is born to be the salvation of City Life FC
LUCIE: And I come bearing cell notes, that the child may grow to be wise. And also I had a lot of them knocking around so I thought it’d be a good cheap gift.
GAV: And I come bearing….an essay…on dear. That means my supervisor must have got the fair trade tea I brought so that Small Fry Smy would grow up ethically friendly…not like his Dad…
MARY: Does that mean he’ll become another Earl Grey addict?
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
STEVE S: Are you implying that you are all discussing it. Like you Bex, I keep deleting all the Egyptian firstborn's - why? - because He wanted His people from Pharoah, an Pharoah wouldn't let them away with it once, so we'll do it again. Does that sound!? Being anti the middle East over their interference, the gulf war, they found a public health disaster. There was a powerful presence of God, and miracles of healing were experienced as this rugged group vibrantly praised God together. They prayed the streets of Cambridge for a move of God in their power to disarm this evil from our country. What's different with Iraq? I think there is no need to guard against conflating the actions of a state that claims to be a little bit proactive.
NARRATOR: Look, you’ve been popping up at strange moments all evening…do you want to tell us who you are and what you’re doing?
STEVE S: Just continuing my mission to make the whole world randomly generated. I think you’ll find theres a perfectly satisfactory psychological explanation for it all…Anyhow, I’m off back home to Stevecity. Bye!
GABRIEL: How odd.
THE END
| 