This is the account of the journey of the Beroshim (the people of the fir tree) to the promised land. In the days when the people of the fir tree were young, they were wandering in the wilderness of the ridge of Camb.

And the great God Mo’ Fat (so called because he was Mo’ Fat than all of the other Gods) revealed himself unto Coney, who was the father of the Beroshim, the greatest of the tree cones, and he spoke unto him, saying “Behold! I have seen your wanderings in the wilderness of the ridge of Camb, and I have taken pity on you, and I have chosen you to be to me a holy people. And I am calling you out from all the nations of the fir trees of the ridge of Camb, and you shall be for me a called-out people. And I shall put googly eyes upon your faces that you may see, and I shall put garments upon you which I shall fashion from fluffy blobs, that you may be arranged in a variety of comical poses. And behold! I am calling you out of the wilderness, and I shall lead you into the promised land which I have for you.

Behold! I am setting before you inside and outside; wet and dry – choose inside that you may escape rot, and live long and well preserved in the land which I have promised to you. If you will surely keep my commandments, my judgments, my statutes, my ordinances, my laws, my sayings, my precepts, my customs, my ways and my paths, then it will go well with you, and you shall have googly eyes and fluffy blobs on your heads, and you shall enter the land which I am giving you as an inheritance. But if you disobey me and turn from my paths to worship the gods of the inhabitants of the land which you are about to enter, the gods Spider Man and Colin, then you shall receive from me no googly eyes or fluffy blobs, and I will cast you out of the land which you are about to enter, and you shall wander through the wilderness, blind and naked, until the rain enters your cores and you rot.

And Coney said unto Mo’ Fat, Behold! You alone are great and worthy of praise, O great God Mo’ Fat. And behold! We choose this day to keep your commandments, your judgments, your statutes, your ordinances, your laws, your sayings, your precepts, your customs, your ways and your paths. And we will worship none but you, and we shall live in the land which you are giving to us this day.

And Mo’ Fat said unto them “Well, I wasn’t expecting that.”

And he spoke unto them once more, saying, “It is well, then. You shall be my slaves, and me alone shall you serve.” And in a great and terrible voice, he made a great rumbling, like unto the clearing of a throat or a coughing, and in a quieter voice, he said “Suckers.”

And from that day forth, the Beroshim became known as the Suckers, for they left their life of freely wandering in the wildernesses of the ridge of Camb to live in the land which Mo’ Fat gave unto them and to serve him only.

And Mo’ Fat said, behold! I am giving unto you the keys to the promised land, the land of the Roomof Peterg Oodman. And it is a good land, flowing with milk and orange squash.

And Mo’ Fat said, behold! I am giving unto you my handmaidens, Sarah of the Clap of Ham, Marie of the Kaka of the Rose, Kat of the Vyce and Con of the Knee of the Yates, and they will lead you unto the promised land which I am giving to you this day, the land which I shall call Oodman (for I am too lazy to repeat its whole name every time I speak it unto you), the land which is flowing with milk and orange squash. And you shall serve me in faithfulness there, and you shall be my loyal slaves, and you shall bring to me bananas as a tribute offering every week.

And behold! The Suckers entered into the land of Oodman, and there they made their homes in peace. And they constructed for the great God Mo’ Fat a great and beautiful shrine, overseen by the high Priest of the Suckers, the cone Piney, and the Suckers worshipped the God Mo’ Fat there. And of the Sucker maidens, some became priestesses, and they waited on the altar of Mo’ Fat day and night, and behold! They brought unto him bananas and Nutella and behold! Mo’ Fat was pleased. And they built for their king Coney a palace from iron and wood, and they gave unto him soldiers to serve him in faithfulness. And he ruled over the people in peace.

But it came to pass that a prophet was raised up among the Beroshim, and he prophesied unto the people of Oodman, and he spoke unto them, saying, “Behold! This is the word of Mo’ Fat. The great God Mo’ Fat appeared unto me and he spoke unto me, saying, prophesy to the my people the Beroshim, and say unto them,

“I brought you into this land by my strong arm

By my mighty hand I established you in Oodman

But the land which I gave you was not my own

Yea, Oodman did not belong to me

For I am not the greatest God of all

And there are greater Gods than me (at least there are in Oodman)

For the land of Oodman, behold! It belongs to another

And it is the land of Peterg Oodman.

And behold! I borrowed his keys for I told him that I needed to use his computer

And behold! The mercy and the compassion of Peterg Oodman was great

Though his wisdom was not all it could be

And behold! The keys were entrusted to me that I might work

But behold! Sarah of the Clap of Ham

And Marie of the Kaka of the Rose came unto me

And they spoke to me saying,

“Let us borrow the keys, and we will place in your room Beroshim

and they will be for a great surprise to Peterg Oodman”

And behold! I gave unto them the keys, and I spoke unto you

And you were brought into the land which I had promised unto you.

But now the time has come

And behold! The day is near

And Peterg Oodman is returning

And he is coming back to claim his land

And I do not know what he will do unto you

And how he will react I am not sure.”

And the Beroshim wept greatly, and many tears did they shed. But Mo’Fat spoke unto them again through his prophet, saying, “Sorry, but you’ll just have to stay there now. I’ve got a dissertation to do and I can’t be faffing around with flippin’ pine cones.” And the Beroshim were not able to escape the land of Oodman, for behold! The door was locked. And so they remained in the land of Oodman, earnestly beseeching the great God Mo’ Fat that he might stretch out his mighty arm and rescue them from the hand of Peterg Oodman. But he did not answer.

THE END?